Top Ten Songs which are good, but have the craziest lyrics you've ever heard in your life.

Good day, Internet, how are we this fine morning? ... Yes ... Really? .... Oh, that's good! I'm pleased to hear that. Today's ponderance stems from the increased amount of time I've spent listening to my iPod recently; I apparently know a lot of songs with crazy lyrics. I mean, I think it's great, but you can't walk down the road singing "From meths and gin I feel the sin, like wheels upon my feet." (Name that tune?) So I've made a list. It's a top ten, inasmuch as there are ten things on it. They're not really in a proper order, it's just the order I thought of them in.

[SIDEBAR: I wanted to include Ein Kompliment by Sportfreunde Stiller in this list, but I didn't because most of my readers are English speaking (as a first language), and I didn't think they'd understand "Wenn man so willst bist du... mein Süßigkeitswahrabteilung im Supermarkt", even though it's one of the most excellent lyrics ever. (Englishers, it means "You are my confectionary aisle in the Supermarket", of course... Just in case you couldn't guess!) /END SIDEBAR]

So here we go:

1. Abdul Abulbul Amir
          Performed by: Frank Crumit (originally)
          Describe it in five words: Blokes fight, listen really carefully.
          Short Synopsis: This is a song about two men, one from Russia and one from somewhere else, who bump into each other in the street (literally) and then set about fighting. As you do. As this song is a story, I won't ruin the end, but the guys' names alone are worth listening to this song for.
          Favourite Line: "By this I imply you are going to die, Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar!" (How else is your opponent to know that you're trash talking them?)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7GgmOdHDog (I prefer the Peter Skellern Version, so I've posted that, it's just not the original.)
           See also: I'm a Pink Toothbrush by Max Bygraves. It's a similar children's story theme.

2. Wilbury Twist
          Performed by: The Travelling Wilburys
          Describe it in five words: Brand new dance to learn.
          Short Synopsis: It really is just a set of instructions for a dance. It's on this list because I think you might end up in hospital if you followed them all. Twice.
          Favourite Line: "It could be years before you're missed, Everybody's trying to do the Wilbury Twist." (Anything else would give it away.)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjSmgSdFASk (with lyrics, so you can follow the  moves easily!)
          See also: Dirty World by the Travelling Wilburys. I've never been embarrassed by the words "red bell peppers" before.

3. Leap Up and Down (wave your knickers in the air)
          Performed by: St Cecilia
          Describe it in five words: Seriously, try it some time.
          Short Synopsis: A shy girl is looking for a way to attract herself a gentleman. She comes up with a novel way to do it. It's only recommended in the summer.
          Favourite line: "Leap up and down, wave your knickers in the air!" (duh!)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoDZbZfnG7c (I can't find anything better, but you can hear the words.)

          See also: Tiger Feet by Mud. It's kind of similar. And whoever heard of someone having the feet of a big cat?

4. Nice Legs, Shame About the Face
          Performed by: The Monks
          Describe it in five words: Expected misogyny, but pleasantly surprised.
          Short Synopsis: The singer goes on a blind date with a girl his friend says is good looking. He is disappointed by the outcome. Again, this one is a nice story, so I won't spoil the ending.
          Favourite line: "Nice legs, shame about the boat race."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgKv-6Yyd2g
          See also: Saturday Gigs by Mott the Hoople. Vaguely similar topic matter? They both cover going out?

5. Reasons to be Cheerful (pt. 3)
          Performed by: Ian Dury and the Blockheads
          Describe it in five words: "Whydoncha get back into bed?"
          Short Synopsis: A list of things that make the singer cheerful. They range wildly between the everyday and the extraordinary.
          Favourite line: "Saying okey-dokey, sing-a-long a Smokie, Coming outta chokey" (anyone who's ever sang along with Smokey will probably know why.)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcjh1a9Yoao  *LANGUAGE WARNING*
          See also: Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Equally weird lyrics, just fewer of them.

6. The Myths and Legends of King Merton Womble and his Journey to the Centre of the Earth
          Performed by: The Wombles
          Describe it in five words: The longest title ever (possibly).
          Short Synopsis: It's another story. This one is about the great and glorious King Merton Womble and his quest to have a picnic at the centre of the Earth. Casual. I won't ruin the ending.
          Favourite line: "I wonder if ever a Womble king put down his tidy bag and extricated from a stone the sword Exscallywag."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKWH9EP1MoU
          See also: Anything by the Wombles. All their songs have excellent stories to them. I particularly like Wombling White Tie and Tails.

7. Jilted John
          Performed by: Jilted John
          Describe it in five words: "Gordon is a moron." Well...
          Short Synopsis: The terribly sad tale of  poor John who is chucked by his girl Julie in favour of a gentleman called Gordon, of whom the singer does not approve. Poor Gordon.
          Favourite line: "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN45OjB-cCU (Looks like nobody told him you're meant to mime on TOTP.)
          See also: You Broke My Heart by the Lovebites. One of my all-time favourite songs not written by Roy Wood. Teenage heartbreak and electric guitars. Why the heck not?

8. The Funky Gibbon
          Performed by: The Goodies
          Describe it in five words: Bill Oddie was a popstar?
          Short Synopsis: There's not a lot more to say about this. Another dance song, this time by the Goodies. How to dance like a gibbon.
          Favourite line: "Drop one arm down by your knees, let the other arm reach up to the trees."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXq8rELhUkw (Ignore Steve Wright. He thinks he's funny.)
          See also: Walking the Dog by Rufus Thomas. A soul classic which teaches you to dance like you're walking a dog.

9. Cherry Blossom Clinic (Revisited)
          Performed by: The Move
          Describe it in five words: Mental Asylum. More tea, vicar?
          Short Synopsis: You didn't really think I'd get all the way through this list without a Woody song, did you? A Roy is for life, not just for Christmas! A song about someone who's woken up to find himself locked away for his own safety. Thought provoking (for me at least) and mad as a squirrel in a raincoat.
          Favourite line: "Lock me in and throw the key away."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHAzNU4Vsus (The original is only three minutes, but I like this version better. Listen in stereo if possible.)
          See also: Most things by Roy Wood have excellent lyrics. Going Down the Road is pretty impressive though. Very political. But also Scottish reggae.

10. Ne Ne Na Na Nu Nu
          Performed by: Bad Manners
          Describe it in five words: If possible, ask Short Chris.
          Short Synopsis: This is an excellent song with limited words. The other bonus is that the few words that are repeated will fit very happily to any tune. Also, and I can't stress this enough, LAUGHING SAXOPHONE SOLO.
          Favourite line: "Ne ne ne ne na na nu nu!"
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUWOAJ0My9I
          See also: Scruff the Huffy Chuffy Tugboat by Bad Manners (*LANGUAGE WARNING*). A super duper excellent song. But if you don't like it, try anything else by Bad Manners or Madness, it's all insane.


Well, that's it. If anyone actually likes these lists of music, I can do others by mood, theme, instruments, whatever. If not, I'll go back to drivelling on about Germany and Scouts and things.


Emmatt Update: I realise there's not been one of these in a while, so to put you at ease, here's one. Matt and I are still together, nearly two years now (how he does it, I'll never know!) The distance is once again proving bothersome, as is the fact that I'm now at work all day. But we're still spending time chatting and whatnot, so fingers crossed! :)

Arrival in the Land of the Free and the Home Of The Daft.

That title refers to two separate places, by the way.

As you may know, folks, I have recently "upped sticks" and wandered my way over to Germany. It was a good decision. I'm glad I made this decision. Even though the weather is too hot to function.

After a week and a half of living in a Youth Hostel, I finally moved into my actual flat last Thursday. It's great. I get my own bedroom, and food, and a bathroom... And I'm living with a dude*, which is new and weird. You don't think it's going to be a big deal until you realise there are certain things you can't do any more. Don't get me wrong; I shared a house last year and I know how to be a vaguely tolerable housemate. I don't walk around naked or anything, and nobody has ever walked in on me in the bath. But there really are things you take for granted when you live with four other girls that you can't do if you're sharing with a guy.

Anyway, that's not what I was pondering. I was actually pondering the small differences that exist between life in Germany and life in the UK. They're silly things really, stuff you'd never even think of. But they exist nonetheless, and they make everything seem that little bit more alien. Here is my rundown:

They say you never forget your first -
Braunschweig's Amplemann.

Crossing the Road
This might seem like a weird one, but it's a serious consideration here. Jaywalking is illegal, with an on-the-spot fine of up to 25€ (as far as I remember), which is particularly enforced if you're caught doing it in front of children. Some days, this can add five to ten minutes onto my walk into work. You don't realise how often you cross a road before the lights go green in the UK. And it's a pain in the tush if there's no traffic coming and you still can't go. (Equally, traffic turning right onto the road you're crossing can still turn right. It just has to not hit you in the process, even if the little green man is showing.)
Also, I've found my first real life Ampelmännchen. :D EXCITING!

People
This is the bit where I talk about the dude I'm living with. He is the MOST GERMAN man I have ever met. Seriously. How is anyone even that German? His surname takes up two lines of space on the letterbox. He wears almost entirely black and listens to scary metal music. He does one of the most efficient sounding jobs I have ever heard of. He drives a van (I don't know why I find this particularly German, I just do) and last week he literally ate a singular sausage with mustard for dinner. He even suffers from what my father affectionately calls "The German Affliction" (smoking).
And the lady dudes at work aren't much less stereotypical. They've all got incredibly German names, like Annika and Britta, and they do that German lady thing of always wearing scarves and vests and getting into work really early to make sure they reserve their desks with towels...
Plus, most conversations I have with them are about food. Or alcohol.**
Stereotypes. They really do exist for a reason.

Breakfast
What sort of self-respecting country eats breakfast off a board? Germany, that's who.

Pasta
Apparently, pasta sauce made of beetroot, hotdog and whatever other vegetables and spices you have in the sparsely-stocked kitchen is a typical DDR meal. Apparently.
I'm not sure I believe that but, unlike some people around here, I wasn't actually born in the DDR. Something something communist rant.

(It was actually really tasty, I just wasn't expecting it.)

Mealtime Manners
You don't eat until everyone has their food. Obviously this is the same in the UK, but you always get the sort of "please start, don't all wait on ceremony" fandango going on. In Germany, you wait until everyone is seated and ready to actually begin the eating process, then you say "Guten Appetit" and then you eat. It's nice really, then everyone feels like they're included. (NB. My main experience of this is in a cafeteria, where you have to wait for everyone to sit down with their food.)

Flexitime
Awesome. This is a great idea. I know it exists in the UK, but it seems to be more common/widespread here. There are certain "core times" that you have to work (where I am it's between 10:00 and 15:00), but otherwise you can do whatever, as long as you average your total number of hours per week.
The only problem I have with flexitime is that I don't always have enough to do at the moment. Because we're not in our peak season, there isn't always enough work for me to be getting on with. This means that there is a lot of time where I have to make my own work to ensure I'm filling the minimum requirement for the week and not slacking off at 4:30 every day. Regardless of what my workload is, my hours are still the same.

Supermarket checkouts
Anyone who's used Lidl or Aldi in the UK will have a vague idea of how this works. German supermarkets don't usually have that nice long space at the end of the checkout that means you can take a bit of time packing your bags. Everything is thrown at you and pay is demanded as soon as the cashier is done. If you're not packed by then, you're in the way of the next person.
However, unlike in the UK, the person behind you is probably not going to be sympathetic of the fact that you're only twenty and haven't had to do your own shopping for much longer than a year.
You're a strong German woman, mein Gott, can't you go any faster?
I'm not German, I'm a Brit. I get sunburn and I apologise for literally everything.
Literally.
Sorry.

Achso ja, that's it really. They're the ones that immediately spring to mind. I'm sure there are others, like not walking in the cycle lanes, but you'll probably hear about those over time. My plan isn't to turn this blog into a year abroad blog, but I am now living in Germany, so you'll have to get used to the fact that I'm going to talk about German things a lot. ("What's new?" I hear you say. Yes, I can hear you through the internet.)


*I often use "dude" as an agender epithet, but for the purposes of this blog post, "dude" is male and "Lady dude" is female. I don't have to refer to anyone of any other gender in this post. When I do, I'll think of something.

** I'm fully aware that these aren't all standard German stereotypes, but they exist a lot throughout Germany, so I'm using them.




EDIT: Daniel gave up Smoking about two months ago, and he's doing really well. He's not killed anyone yet or anything.