Top Ten Songs which are good, but have the craziest lyrics you've ever heard in your life.

Good day, Internet, how are we this fine morning? ... Yes ... Really? .... Oh, that's good! I'm pleased to hear that. Today's ponderance stems from the increased amount of time I've spent listening to my iPod recently; I apparently know a lot of songs with crazy lyrics. I mean, I think it's great, but you can't walk down the road singing "From meths and gin I feel the sin, like wheels upon my feet." (Name that tune?) So I've made a list. It's a top ten, inasmuch as there are ten things on it. They're not really in a proper order, it's just the order I thought of them in.

[SIDEBAR: I wanted to include Ein Kompliment by Sportfreunde Stiller in this list, but I didn't because most of my readers are English speaking (as a first language), and I didn't think they'd understand "Wenn man so willst bist du... mein Süßigkeitswahrabteilung im Supermarkt", even though it's one of the most excellent lyrics ever. (Englishers, it means "You are my confectionary aisle in the Supermarket", of course... Just in case you couldn't guess!) /END SIDEBAR]

So here we go:

1. Abdul Abulbul Amir
          Performed by: Frank Crumit (originally)
          Describe it in five words: Blokes fight, listen really carefully.
          Short Synopsis: This is a song about two men, one from Russia and one from somewhere else, who bump into each other in the street (literally) and then set about fighting. As you do. As this song is a story, I won't ruin the end, but the guys' names alone are worth listening to this song for.
          Favourite Line: "By this I imply you are going to die, Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar!" (How else is your opponent to know that you're trash talking them?)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7GgmOdHDog (I prefer the Peter Skellern Version, so I've posted that, it's just not the original.)
           See also: I'm a Pink Toothbrush by Max Bygraves. It's a similar children's story theme.

2. Wilbury Twist
          Performed by: The Travelling Wilburys
          Describe it in five words: Brand new dance to learn.
          Short Synopsis: It really is just a set of instructions for a dance. It's on this list because I think you might end up in hospital if you followed them all. Twice.
          Favourite Line: "It could be years before you're missed, Everybody's trying to do the Wilbury Twist." (Anything else would give it away.)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjSmgSdFASk (with lyrics, so you can follow the  moves easily!)
          See also: Dirty World by the Travelling Wilburys. I've never been embarrassed by the words "red bell peppers" before.

3. Leap Up and Down (wave your knickers in the air)
          Performed by: St Cecilia
          Describe it in five words: Seriously, try it some time.
          Short Synopsis: A shy girl is looking for a way to attract herself a gentleman. She comes up with a novel way to do it. It's only recommended in the summer.
          Favourite line: "Leap up and down, wave your knickers in the air!" (duh!)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoDZbZfnG7c (I can't find anything better, but you can hear the words.)

          See also: Tiger Feet by Mud. It's kind of similar. And whoever heard of someone having the feet of a big cat?

4. Nice Legs, Shame About the Face
          Performed by: The Monks
          Describe it in five words: Expected misogyny, but pleasantly surprised.
          Short Synopsis: The singer goes on a blind date with a girl his friend says is good looking. He is disappointed by the outcome. Again, this one is a nice story, so I won't spoil the ending.
          Favourite line: "Nice legs, shame about the boat race."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgKv-6Yyd2g
          See also: Saturday Gigs by Mott the Hoople. Vaguely similar topic matter? They both cover going out?

5. Reasons to be Cheerful (pt. 3)
          Performed by: Ian Dury and the Blockheads
          Describe it in five words: "Whydoncha get back into bed?"
          Short Synopsis: A list of things that make the singer cheerful. They range wildly between the everyday and the extraordinary.
          Favourite line: "Saying okey-dokey, sing-a-long a Smokie, Coming outta chokey" (anyone who's ever sang along with Smokey will probably know why.)
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcjh1a9Yoao  *LANGUAGE WARNING*
          See also: Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Equally weird lyrics, just fewer of them.

6. The Myths and Legends of King Merton Womble and his Journey to the Centre of the Earth
          Performed by: The Wombles
          Describe it in five words: The longest title ever (possibly).
          Short Synopsis: It's another story. This one is about the great and glorious King Merton Womble and his quest to have a picnic at the centre of the Earth. Casual. I won't ruin the ending.
          Favourite line: "I wonder if ever a Womble king put down his tidy bag and extricated from a stone the sword Exscallywag."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKWH9EP1MoU
          See also: Anything by the Wombles. All their songs have excellent stories to them. I particularly like Wombling White Tie and Tails.

7. Jilted John
          Performed by: Jilted John
          Describe it in five words: "Gordon is a moron." Well...
          Short Synopsis: The terribly sad tale of  poor John who is chucked by his girl Julie in favour of a gentleman called Gordon, of whom the singer does not approve. Poor Gordon.
          Favourite line: "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN45OjB-cCU (Looks like nobody told him you're meant to mime on TOTP.)
          See also: You Broke My Heart by the Lovebites. One of my all-time favourite songs not written by Roy Wood. Teenage heartbreak and electric guitars. Why the heck not?

8. The Funky Gibbon
          Performed by: The Goodies
          Describe it in five words: Bill Oddie was a popstar?
          Short Synopsis: There's not a lot more to say about this. Another dance song, this time by the Goodies. How to dance like a gibbon.
          Favourite line: "Drop one arm down by your knees, let the other arm reach up to the trees."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXq8rELhUkw (Ignore Steve Wright. He thinks he's funny.)
          See also: Walking the Dog by Rufus Thomas. A soul classic which teaches you to dance like you're walking a dog.

9. Cherry Blossom Clinic (Revisited)
          Performed by: The Move
          Describe it in five words: Mental Asylum. More tea, vicar?
          Short Synopsis: You didn't really think I'd get all the way through this list without a Woody song, did you? A Roy is for life, not just for Christmas! A song about someone who's woken up to find himself locked away for his own safety. Thought provoking (for me at least) and mad as a squirrel in a raincoat.
          Favourite line: "Lock me in and throw the key away."
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHAzNU4Vsus (The original is only three minutes, but I like this version better. Listen in stereo if possible.)
          See also: Most things by Roy Wood have excellent lyrics. Going Down the Road is pretty impressive though. Very political. But also Scottish reggae.

10. Ne Ne Na Na Nu Nu
          Performed by: Bad Manners
          Describe it in five words: If possible, ask Short Chris.
          Short Synopsis: This is an excellent song with limited words. The other bonus is that the few words that are repeated will fit very happily to any tune. Also, and I can't stress this enough, LAUGHING SAXOPHONE SOLO.
          Favourite line: "Ne ne ne ne na na nu nu!"
          Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUWOAJ0My9I
          See also: Scruff the Huffy Chuffy Tugboat by Bad Manners (*LANGUAGE WARNING*). A super duper excellent song. But if you don't like it, try anything else by Bad Manners or Madness, it's all insane.


Well, that's it. If anyone actually likes these lists of music, I can do others by mood, theme, instruments, whatever. If not, I'll go back to drivelling on about Germany and Scouts and things.


Emmatt Update: I realise there's not been one of these in a while, so to put you at ease, here's one. Matt and I are still together, nearly two years now (how he does it, I'll never know!) The distance is once again proving bothersome, as is the fact that I'm now at work all day. But we're still spending time chatting and whatnot, so fingers crossed! :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Hello team and may I say Well Done! This is the 100th post in this fabulous blog called "Stuff I Ponder". I feel very proud to have made it to this point, especially considering that I've done so in less than two years which means that, on average, I have somehow posted more than twice every week.

Given the enormous gaps I've had between some of these posts, I think that's pretty impressive. Plus, it means I must have an awful lot to say for myself :S

So, there's not really a lot I have to say on this post, I'm not pondering anything in particular, certainly. I guess it was just Happy Birthday. Maybe I'll put up some random quotes from the best of "Stuff". Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. So here we go. I'll put 2012 on this post and 213 and 2014 on the next post (post no. 101):

• you can just erect (laugh if you must) a "bitchin' yurt" - 1st April 2012
•  "Excuse me sir! In the Onesie! You look Excellent!" and my friend Adele yelling "Like a sexy baby grow!!" - 18th April 2012
• I have discovered the Tabernacle. It is like the mother of all tents; bigger than a yurt and without the yaks. - 18th April 2012
• (especially when I shouted "You sir, you look like a man who likes a cuddle!" at an Emo) - 18th April 2012
• Shove a Crout inside him (confusingly) (Emily) - 30th April 2012
• Hollow him out and use him as a canoe (Liz) - 30th April 2012
• My ponderances since I last write have been minimal, although my working-ness has been much - 17th June 2012
• I really am very, very sad. I thought to myself, as I cleaned my saxophone, wearing a shirt with a colourful message about Jesus after finishing playing music nobody had listened to and thinking about Scouts. Yes, I am about six walking stereotypes. - 17th June 2012
•  So basically, I have decided that I really don't want to be a Cub Leader! - 27th June 2012
• Team Saxophone, for those of you who don't know, is a group of seven "epic" people, who all play the saxophone in Concert Band (probably as a punishment for something bad they did in a former life...) - 17th July 2012
• Peter Hurrell should not, NOT be allowed to wear a mankini. Ever. - 27th July 2012
• Eventually, somewhere in the midst of the eighties, Jeff Lynne got bored and left, after writing a song about it (as you do). - 2nd August 2012
• Gabi and Markus, our German friends (from Germany, because they're just totally awesome like that) - 19th September 2012
• The only reason we should care if Kate gets pregnant is if the baby ends up ginger. And they should totally call it Emma if it's a girl. Just saying. - 21st September 2012
•  Like every other musical activity I do, this is the highlight of my week. - 6th November 2012
• Welcome back, Internet Dwellers, to my cave of mystery. My name is Plato (not really) and I have many wonderful things to discuss with you. Or not. At all. - 11th November 2012
• If you do it wrong, you die. Then you're dead. Forever. - 11th November 2012

Making Friends

Hello dear friends! Today I am writing very briefly about one of the downsides of living in halls of residence (not that there are many!) because it's happening right now and I'm pondering it as a result.

The gentleman below me and I have only met once during my time here (and I'm not even entirely sure which one he was) and at that point, Declan, Beth and I were rolling around on the floor laughing like loons on loon tablets. However, I have learnt quite a lot about my downstairs neighbour from his taste in music.

At some point each day, usually when I am sitting in my room "studying" (i.e. Eating cheese and biscuits, painting my nails, blogging, arranging my stuff/timetable etc.) the gentleman downstairs will begin playing loud club dance music from the (rather impressive) speaker system he must have down there. I know that dance music is designed to have a very noticeable bass line and hence would be fairly audible at any volume, however, this particular music is being played so loudly that I am able to tell what the song is.

Think about that for a second. I, Emma, can identify the club music which is being played. Any other genre, you might sort of say "well, yes, but you know every piece of music ever released" but club dance music should make you think something's up. Firstly, I absolutely hate club dance music and know very little of it; the fact that I know some is merely a reflection of Freshers' Week and its effect, the fact that I can identify it shows how loud it must be. Secondly all club music sounds exactly the same when played quietly, for it to be identifiable, it must be quite loud....

So I have come up with a solution. Many of you will think it childish, but to you I say "Ner ner ner ner ner!!!" I have declared "Battle of the Awful Music", which means that every time his music is so loud that I can hear it, I turn up the music I'm listening to to drown him out (and hopefully educate him in what music should actually sound like.) So far today, Mr Underneath-Room has been subjected to "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boys, "Ticket To The Moon" by ELO and "I Wish It Could Be A Wombling Merry Christmas Every Day" (Fat Boy Furry Crucial Dub Groovy Acid Burrow Garage Mix) by Roy Wood and the Wombles, which he may well have actually enjoyed.

Grow up? NEVER!!!