[SIDEBAR: I wanted to include Ein Kompliment by Sportfreunde Stiller in this list, but I didn't because most of my readers are English speaking (as a first language), and I didn't think they'd understand "Wenn man so willst bist du... mein Süßigkeitswahrabteilung im Supermarkt", even though it's one of the most excellent lyrics ever. (Englishers, it means "You are my confectionary aisle in the Supermarket", of course... Just in case you couldn't guess!) /END SIDEBAR]
So here we go:
Performed by: Frank Crumit (originally)
Describe it in five words: Blokes fight, listen really carefully.
Short Synopsis: This is a song about two men, one from Russia and one from somewhere else, who bump into each other in the street (literally) and then set about fighting. As you do. As this song is a story, I won't ruin the end, but the guys' names alone are worth listening to this song for.
Favourite Line: "By this I imply you are going to die, Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar!" (How else is your opponent to know that you're trash talking them?)
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7GgmOdHDog (I prefer the Peter Skellern Version, so I've posted that, it's just not the original.)
See also: I'm a Pink Toothbrush by Max Bygraves. It's a similar children's story theme.
2. Wilbury Twist
Performed by: The Travelling Wilburys
Describe it in five words: Brand new dance to learn.
Short Synopsis: It really is just a set of instructions for a dance. It's on this list because I think you might end up in hospital if you followed them all. Twice.
Favourite Line: "It could be years before you're missed, Everybody's trying to do the Wilbury Twist." (Anything else would give it away.)
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjSmgSdFASk (with lyrics, so you can follow the moves easily!)
See also: Dirty World by the Travelling Wilburys. I've never been embarrassed by the words "red bell peppers" before.
3. Leap Up and Down (wave your knickers in the air)
Performed by: St Cecilia
Describe it in five words: Seriously, try it some time.
Short Synopsis: A shy girl is looking for a way to attract herself a gentleman. She comes up with a novel way to do it. It's only recommended in the summer.
Favourite line: "Leap up and down, wave your knickers in the air!" (duh!)
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoDZbZfnG7c (I can't find anything better, but you can hear the words.)
See also: Tiger Feet by Mud. It's kind of similar. And whoever heard of someone having the feet of a big cat?
4. Nice Legs, Shame About the Face
Performed by: The Monks
Describe it in five words: Expected misogyny, but pleasantly surprised.
Short Synopsis: The singer goes on a blind date with a girl his friend says is good looking. He is disappointed by the outcome. Again, this one is a nice story, so I won't spoil the ending.
Favourite line: "Nice legs, shame about the boat race."
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgKv-6Yyd2g
See also: Saturday Gigs by Mott the Hoople. Vaguely similar topic matter? They both cover going out?
5. Reasons to be Cheerful (pt. 3)
Performed by: Ian Dury and the Blockheads
Describe it in five words: "Whydoncha get back into bed?"
Short Synopsis: A list of things that make the singer cheerful. They range wildly between the everyday and the extraordinary.
Favourite line: "Saying okey-dokey, sing-a-long a Smokie, Coming outta chokey" (anyone who's ever sang along with Smokey will probably know why.)
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcjh1a9Yoao *LANGUAGE WARNING*
See also: Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick by Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Equally weird lyrics, just fewer of them.
6. The Myths and Legends of King Merton Womble and his Journey to the Centre of the Earth
Performed by: The Wombles
Describe it in five words: The longest title ever (possibly).
Short Synopsis: It's another story. This one is about the great and glorious King Merton Womble and his quest to have a picnic at the centre of the Earth. Casual. I won't ruin the ending.
Favourite line: "I wonder if ever a Womble king put down his tidy bag and extricated from a stone the sword Exscallywag."
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKWH9EP1MoU
See also: Anything by the Wombles. All their songs have excellent stories to them. I particularly like Wombling White Tie and Tails.
7. Jilted John
Performed by: Jilted John
Describe it in five words: "Gordon is a moron." Well...
Short Synopsis: The terribly sad tale of poor John who is chucked by his girl Julie in favour of a gentleman called Gordon, of whom the singer does not approve. Poor Gordon.
Favourite line: "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop."
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN45OjB-cCU (Looks like nobody told him you're meant to mime on TOTP.)
See also: You Broke My Heart by the Lovebites. One of my all-time favourite songs not written by Roy Wood. Teenage heartbreak and electric guitars. Why the heck not?
8. The Funky Gibbon
Performed by: The Goodies
Describe it in five words: Bill Oddie was a popstar?
Short Synopsis: There's not a lot more to say about this. Another dance song, this time by the Goodies. How to dance like a gibbon.
Favourite line: "Drop one arm down by your knees, let the other arm reach up to the trees."
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXq8rELhUkw (Ignore Steve Wright. He thinks he's funny.)
See also: Walking the Dog by Rufus Thomas. A soul classic which teaches you to dance like you're walking a dog.
9. Cherry Blossom Clinic (Revisited)
Performed by: The Move
Describe it in five words: Mental Asylum. More tea, vicar?
Short Synopsis: You didn't really think I'd get all the way through this list without a Woody song, did you? A Roy is for life, not just for Christmas! A song about someone who's woken up to find himself locked away for his own safety. Thought provoking (for me at least) and mad as a squirrel in a raincoat.
Favourite line: "Lock me in and throw the key away."
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHAzNU4Vsus (The original is only three minutes, but I like this version better. Listen in stereo if possible.)
See also: Most things by Roy Wood have excellent lyrics. Going Down the Road is pretty impressive though. Very political. But also Scottish reggae.
10. Ne Ne Na Na Nu Nu
Performed by: Bad Manners
Describe it in five words: If possible, ask Short Chris.
Short Synopsis: This is an excellent song with limited words. The other bonus is that the few words that are repeated will fit very happily to any tune. Also, and I can't stress this enough, LAUGHING SAXOPHONE SOLO.
Favourite line: "Ne ne ne ne na na nu nu!"
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUWOAJ0My9I
See also: Scruff the Huffy Chuffy Tugboat by Bad Manners (*LANGUAGE WARNING*). A super duper excellent song. But if you don't like it, try anything else by Bad Manners or Madness, it's all insane.
Well, that's it. If anyone actually likes these lists of music, I can do others by mood, theme, instruments, whatever. If not, I'll go back to drivelling on about Germany and Scouts and things.
Emmatt Update: I realise there's not been one of these in a while, so to put you at ease, here's one. Matt and I are still together, nearly two years now (how he does it, I'll never know!) The distance is once again proving bothersome, as is the fact that I'm now at work all day. But we're still spending time chatting and whatnot, so fingers crossed! :)
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